It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
