No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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