Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
