Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize