Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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