Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
