Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
