Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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