We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
