Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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