I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
