I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And then he peed in my hair
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