he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
