I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize