My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
