Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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