I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
