I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize