Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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