I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
