He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
