Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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