After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
