My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
