I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
