I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
