First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize