You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
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