She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
