Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
