Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We left an ass print on the piano.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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