Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
