I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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