hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
