I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize