Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
