Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
