just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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