I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
