I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
