I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
