I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
