my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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