You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
