God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
