Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
