Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
