Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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