Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
