I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
