I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
