it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
