i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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