Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
