So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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