I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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