Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
whose parrot is this?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
