today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
