I'm really into asian looking animals
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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