My nipple is on Facebook.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
