It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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